Share your JokeS!

If u guys come across a joke that u find funny, post it right here for de 3e Highpants to laugh their pants off!
=)

Horny or not, I DUN CARE! XD

Here's a starter. =)




NAMES TO AVOID FOR YOUR KIDS




1 ) Anne Chang (in Mandarin) - Dirty

2 ) Anne Chin (in Mandarin) - Keep quiet

3 ) Carl Chng (in Hokkein) Buttock

4 ) Carmen Teng (in Hokkein) - Leg hair long

5 ) Corrine Tai (in Hokkein) - Poor fellow

6 ) Faye Chen (in Mandarin) Dusty

7 ) Henry Mah (in Mandarin) - Hate your mum

8 ) Henry Tan (in Hokkein) - Let you wait

9 ) Jane Tan (in Mandarin) - Fried egg

10 ) Judy Soo (in Mandarin) - Fated to lose.

11 ) Leslie Tong (in Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

12 ) Lucy Liaw (in Hokkein) - You are dead

13 ) Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - Selling eggs

14 ) Monica Cheng (in Hokkein) - Touch your buttock

15 ) Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - Worms-infested bird

16 ) Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

17 ) Paul Chan (in Cantonese) - Bankrupt

18 ) Suzie Leow (in Hokkein) - Lost till death

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"

***********************
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

***********************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man asked, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one." replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

***********************
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

***********************
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down." she said.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Icecream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asked, "Where's my toast?"

***********************
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

***********************
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

***********************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

***********************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice-cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6 ) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8 ) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical reco rds show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

THIS ONE AND THE TEACHER STUDENT FUCKING FUNNY SIA!! OMG!!

i laughed till i cried. lol. still teearing now. ahha. god damn funy luh. haha.

>A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He
>goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke
down.

>Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car.
> As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next
> morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We
> can't tell
> you. You're not a monk.
>
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry
> way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same
> monastery.
>
The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
>
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years
> earlier.

> The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't
tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only
way I
> can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?
>
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many
> blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
>
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
>
>
> The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

> The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
>

> The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real
> funny. May I have the key?
>
> The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
>
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man
demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door
made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,....
>
.......silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob,
and
> behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange
sound.
>




. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk


[ARRGGGHHHHH!! - i wasted a min of my life reading this!]

WTF!!! WASTE MY TIME!!!

knn i wasted like 2 min larx...

lol..

Thats the whole point of this joke! =)

Go on, be a monk. Count the blades of grass n peddles. Go on. ANd u would find outttt~ Like real.

go die la. i already wasted 5 mins. dun wan waste 5 generations. lol . that fella onli took 45 years. wtf. so fast.

jaa u remove me as wad master high pantz arh?
wads dat background... wif a gal wif big sunglasses

haha. not remove. ur still a moderator. but juz like the others. ur on normal rank. haha. erm .its changed already. hows the new forum?

Yeah. i actually prefer this. Lols. Hey.come on man. No one got any jokes to share?? =(

k la. i sae.

UR MAMA WAS SO FAT. THEN WHEN SHE JUMPED FOR JOY...........

she got stucked.

CHINESE PPL AND INDIAN PPL CANNOT DO BUSINESS TOGETHER. CUZ INDIAN PPL CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT A BARGAIN AND CHINESE PPL CANNOT LIVE WITH A BARGAIN. CHINESE PPL OBJECTIVE IS TO TAKE EVERY PENNY FROM U WHILE INDIAN PPL IS TO KEEP EVERY PENNY FROM U. ITS REALLI A BAD POWER STRUGGLE, ISNT IT. TIS INDIAN GUY WENT TO TIS CHINESE MALL, SOME PPL MAY NOE, THE PACIFIC MALL? TATS A BAD PLACE FOR INDIANS TO GO. HE WALK PAST TIS CHINESE SHOP AND WANTED TO BUY TIS PURSE. SO HE ASKED THE CHINESE SALESMAN.
<indian> how much is tis purse
<chinese> 35dollars
<indian> hmm... hw abt 30?
N chinese ppl wil nv give u a no but they wil give u the longest no jus like u hav said the most ridiculous ting in his life.
<indian> hw abt 30?
<chinese> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... NOOOOOOO... Icant do 30 dollars, todae u come, tomoro i wil close down!
<indian> man... i dun wan to buy tis purse for 35dollars, u give me a deal on the purse..
<chinese> ok one second... i talk to my wife... one second.. (dune la, si gor da du ah!!! Han goi!)
<chinese> Ok, u seem like nice guy. I give u best price, 34.50.
It was like tat was 50cents man... He goes
<chinese> 50cents alot of money! U save 50cents here and mayb u go somewhere else and u save another 50cents, then u hav one dollar! Then u take the dollar... U go to the dollar shop and buy someting else!
He starts turning in to a money manager or someting. He goes.
<chinese> I wil finance a plan for u!
The indian guy was relucatant and say..
<indian> Forget it, I dun wan it, its not a deal..
The chinese salesman starts telling stuffs tat has nth to do with it. Then the indian guy told him.
<indian> I am leaving..
He goes.
<chinese> HEY, BE A MAN!
<chinese> BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT TING!
Wat he mean by doin the right ting???
<chinese> Mayb u dun buy the purse right nw, u go some, u walk around the mall, u see someting else, u dun buy, you come back and say "hey, i wan the purse for 34.50" I say noooo! U dun give a 34.50 rite nw, price go up mayb 40dollars rite nw! Be a man!
Man.. we jus cant work together.
We can work together but we cant work with each other!

LOL. WAI LEONG U TAT CCRaZY BOUT RUSSEL ARH! omg! lol. he's fuckin memorized it all. oh my god. LOL. its funny tho . HAHA.

he watch from utube like not tired meh...

tis one not joke but riddle{answer ipost later}:
A begger's brother dies, but the man that died didn't have a brother.

yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where?

I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?

Because cigars cannot be entirely smoked, a hobo who collects cigar butts can make a cigar to smoke out of every 5 butts that he finds. Today, he has collected 25 cigar butts. How many cigars will he be able to smoke?

Gimmi de answers man. gimmi gimmi! nnnoooowwwww

1)begger was a woman
2)A dictionary
3)fire
4)6
if u dun get it pm me...

here's more...

wanna keep it goin so;
Until I am measured
I am not known,
Yet how you miss me
When I have flown.

What Am I?


What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years!


What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?



If 16 + 21 = 1
Then 18 + 13 = ?

are these supposed ta be jokes?

wei jie.. nt funny leH..